10 PROVO DATING CONCEPTS for Men
by Kent Tuttle
Don’t let Provo suck you in and then spit you out…
EVERYTHING that I write below is basically a heads up because of what I experienced or what I have seen others experience. Take what you want from it but realize I speak the truth!!!! Dating is complicated. Dating in Provo: 100 times more complicated. See your world from the right perspective.
1. Provo is full of little boys chasing little girls.
Sometimes it seems like everyone else is having all the fun. You hear about all the relationships and break ups and drama and you think wow why I am I single I would love to be dating these beautiful girls all around me. The truth is that most of these relationships are unhealthy. Girls think that if they go to hair school, go tanning every week, get a Golds gym pass and go into debt for a boob job that they are good to go. Shallow dudes fall into their traps. Most often these are immature boys who learned nothing on their missions. They are Provo all stars or professional security salesman thinking they are going to still going to be knocking doors at 40. They are top heavy from so much time at the gym and never working out their legs. They probably take roids and it shrinks their manhood. Ok these are the extremes but you get the idea.
2. Give girls the attention they deserve
Lots of girls prance around Provo like they are princesses when in reality they possess very few traits of a real princess. They expect the world to revolve around them without reciprocating or being gracious.
Some girls think they can get away with treating guys however they want because there will always be another guy to fall at their feet and ask them out. Most have been getting all this attention and getting guys throwing themselves at them since they were 16. The chances are all the attention has gotten to their heads. Especially if they are from Utah they have been dating a ton. 10 % of the girls in Provo go on 90 % of the dates. Some of these girls though are able to stay grounded and so there is a very small percentage who really might be worth the chase and persistency. In that case treat them like a normal person and don’t let them get away with things. Call them out…don’t be rude but just treat them normal and they will like that because you are different.
BUT more often than not they wont be worth it. In reality most of these girls have very little going for them besides a pretty face. They have Daddy’s credit card and are spoiled brats who have never had to do anything hard. They will want to live in a bubble for their entire lives and have their families heavily involved. So when you meet girls like this don’t bend over backwards like everyone else. There is a specific group of girls who aren’t worth your time because they are going NOWHERE fast. Don’t give them attention they don’t deserve. Stay respectful and nice… whole books have been written on how to be a gentleman. Women are daughters of God and really are princesses in training. But a real princess reciprocates, is gracious and service oriented and not worldly. I am simply saying see through the facade of some girls and spend your time dating someone who you could see yourself marrying. Have enough self confidence to stand up for yourself. You deserve a girl who is good looking AND going somewhere in life.
3. Realize that girls go through STAGES.
Most attractive girls start out liking bad boys. They are attracted to the confidence and the thrill of something new. When they get BURNT…(which always happens) some learn and some don’t. Some marry the bad boys and they end up divorced and with a kid around 27 (just an estimation). There are plenty of those kinds everywhere. The girls who do learn before marriage that they are better off with a nice guy end up going through the following stages…
They will usually go through a stage where they just want to date to have fun. These are the serial dating girls going on 10 dates a week. Any girl who is saying yes to that many dates has no idea what she wants so stay away. But eventually that girl will snap out of it for one reason or another….
When a girl is thinking its time to settle down and grab a nice guy this is the best time to catch them. Be that nice guy and do work. She will respond well whereas before she would have just ignored you. Don’t let a girl in this stage slip away because the next stage is that when too much time goes by without getting into a relationship they will get desperate. The girls become “OLD NEWS” and then they become VERY insecure. They end up throwing themselves at guys because they are in desperate need of that attention they were once getting. After awhile of being stressed out about getting old and never getting married they will mellow out again… but by this time they will be older and their options are very narrow. So know what stage the girl is in when you try to start dating her. This makes all the difference to understand where they are coming from and act accordingly.
4. SAVE your money which will only be spent on someone else’s wife. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
I went on a blind date once where the girl suggested her brother and some friends were all going on a group date that night and that we could maybe just join them. It turned out the group plans were to go bowling, go to a steakhouse and then going to see a movie. Marathon date on number one and I was out about 80 bucks in the whole for just one night. So then I wasn’t even into her and there was only one date. That is such a waste of money. Be careful with how you spend your cash on other people’s wives and get creative. Some dudes will wine and dine and they end up with gold diggers who leave them when they go broke.
5. STAY in control.
You are the man. Be a man. YOU date the girl and that is how you will be most happy. Wear the pants in the dating world. Girls will notice you and decide you are their dream guy because you take initiative. Most girls want a confident guy. I am talking about the initial stages of dating ONLY. In a relationship neither the man or woman are superior but there are gender roles that should be set (see The Family: A Proclamation To the World). I guess I am old fashioned. I like to ask girls out and not the other way around. I like to plan and pay for the dates. It can be very easy for a guy to let go of the responsibility and give it to the girl. Once a girl gets a plan or idea in their head WATCH OUT. Girls are very good at scheming and will get you in very irritating situations if you let them. They will bring you cookies, ask YOU out, make you feel guilty for not calling them…etc etc. My personal favorite is that girls will write on your facebook wall to purposefully discourage other girls from going out with you to make them think you are taken (girls are more competitive than you think)…Facebook gets crazy so be careful.
Others are vicious and will deliberately put themselves in situations to kiss you with you in hopes that they will have a chance to make you fall in love with them. At first you will entertain those types of girls because you like to kiss, the attention is nice and its flattering but this will not last. You will be over it fast because you weren’t in control… you simply consented to what the girl wanted. Just as true girl is not an object neither are you. Remind girls in subtle ways that you will be courting them and not the other way around. Keep it simple with meaningful expressions of affection. When you start crossing lines it is harder to feel wholesome feelings for the person that could blossom into love.
6. DON’T become addicted to dating
Lets be honest it is fun to reel girls in. As a man it is in our nature to love conquest. There are always new challenges in Provo. They are endless. Could I get that girl to like me?? It is fun to try. You can spend a lot of time trying to get with a girl and then when you get her you realize what she is really all about. Beware of these false crushes. This appeals to our competitive natures but it is very unhealthy. We always want what we can’t have. Sometimes it is a girl with a boyfriend or already dating someone and we want to steal them away. Or it could be a random scandalous chick at a club, the girl who is the talk of the town or even a cougar. This type of dating is dangerous because it is such a rush and can get very addicting. But curiosity always KILLS the cat. If you date just because you are curious you will always get what you think you want but then what?? You gotta think long term not short term.
Another part of this is to NEVER date or hang out with a girl who you know is not marriage potential in your gut just for “FUN” … or to fill the time. I would always excuse doing this because of the prophets counsel that we should be constantly dating… I thought that maybe my feelings for these girls would magically change or that they would become marriage potential. Instead of going with my gut feeling I thought that I would feel a spark later on. These are just lies to yourself. Don’t let dating turn into a sport. Kissing is dangerous too because for the girls it is much more emotional. They will hate you forever if you kiss them and then drop them. Then they will go and tell everything to their friends and everyone will hate you. So be careful about the JAR of HEARTS you accumulate. Karma is real and later on when you find a girl that you really want to date she wont date you because you have been out with her roommate, best friend and her sister.
7. FISHING BOAT ANALOGY
Dating can be compared to fishing…you are in an ocean because its Provo… You want to catch a Marlin…a big beautiful fish who swims in deeper waters. It takes effort to bait catch and reel it in…It also takes time. You will never catch a Marlin if you do not spend the effort…
The problem is there are so many other fish to catch in the ocean that are much easier. They swim in shallower waters and they practically jump on your fishing lines without effort. Some may even jump in your boat. Its kind of exciting to have fish jump in your boat. These fish are decent and so you take a look at them and then eventually you decide that they aren’t the Marlin that you want and so you throw it out.
This is all fine and dandy except you just wasted the time with the lesser fish that you should have been spending trying to bait, catch and reel in the Marlin.
This analogy is the best I found to describe what happened to me in Provo. I never caught a Marlin because I wasted too much time with lesser fish. I didn’t spend the time or effort searching and catching my Marlin because I was distracted. I think this can apply to almost any guy though at all levels.
8. KEEP THE FAITH. ATTEND THE TEMPLE WEEKLY.
This is the only way to keep the right perspective through all the mayhem. Remember your covenants and that you are trying to find someone you can bring to the altar and be the mother of your children. When you make mistakes quickly correct them. If you become unworthy to attend the temple stop dating, take a break and work on yourself to get yourself back up to par on personal worthiness. You cant afford to lose this perspective for too long. The world is too powerful and it will swallow you up unless you have the strength the temple gives you. Don’t be too discouraged if you keep making mistakes. Keep fighting and never give up. It will only ever work out with one person and most likely this will happen when you are worthy. Never doubt God or lose faith thinking that nothing will ever work out for you. Heavenly Father wants to bless you but he wants you to learn some vital lessons before the reward. Be patient. Our last saving ordinance is Celestial marriage and so Satan will battle to confuse you. Once he has you outside of the temple his job is a lot easier. Fight scratch and claw your way back no matter what. Learn from your mistakes and move forward. If you stop moving you will fall backwards and roll down the mountain. It would be ridiculous to give up hope, take off your life jacket and jump out of a raft in the middle of a raging rapid. So stay close to the river guide (Christ) and stay in the boat (Church, temple) and you will be much better off. The Lord will reward you when you are ready with everything you’ve held out for.
9. REALIZE CHANGE FOR GOOD OR FOR BAD IS GRADUAL.
When I was in high school I disregarded the strength of youth pamphlet as it pertained to dating. I felt like the rules were ridiculous and that no one followed them…I felt like there was a way to break the small rules with still keeping the big ones. Same thing at BYU with some of the honor code stuff, I could pick and choose which rules to follow because I was strong and I could stay good without being no fun. The problem is that bad habits are hard to fix. Gradually Satan winds the thread around your neck…you might not even feel the thread going around your neck before its too late (2 Nephi 28:22).
The key is to listen and obey EVERYTHING the prophets and church leaders say. I now know why those rules are in the strength of youth and in the honor code. It is a slippery slope if you give Satan an inch he will run a mile in your life.
So why torture yourself in the forbidden paths? Stay on the straight and narrow and it will probably be an overall easier path to getting married.
For me I was comfortable with certain small things since high school…my first kiss was a French kiss, dirty dancing, staying up late to watch movies, laying down to make out, etc etc…I wasn’t doing anything super dirty so I was ok right??? You eventually get to a point where you keep putting yourself into precarious situations and it just doesn’t make sense. What is the point of getting closer and closer to sex without actually crossing the line?? It is frustrating is all it is!!! It is also illogical. You need to choose one way or the other because living in the middle is no good (Rev. 3:16).
So I chose to be all the way good. Since then it has been an uphill battle to leave those little sins that approach the line behind. I have had to leave Provo to see clearly and make those changes for good. The same way since high school that I gradually let myself slip with these things it has been a gradual process to revert back to the innocent lad I was pre high school. It doesn’t happen overnight. You have to start saying no and going against what you think might naturally be ok, because the “natural man” is an enemy to God (Mosiah 3:19). You have to turn back into Peter priesthood whether you like it or not because if you don’t take the necessary precautions you will be making big mistakes again.
10. GET TO THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE
It helps dramatically to know WHY something happens. You can’t fix a problem on the surface. Most of the time we make mistakes not because we are stupid or we openly want to rebel but it is because of physical, mental, emotional or spiritual wounds that we have. Not all the mistakes we make are just cuz we weren’t reading or praying or cuz we are stupid. It is because of a deep set wound that needs to get proper treatmet and healing. So we need to get the bottom of these issues before we can really understand what is going on. Like an iceberg you can only see a fraction of it on top of the water but its actually massive underneath! A lot of the times you might see a bishop but he won’t get into these issues. He focuses on the spiritual which is great but a lot of the work must be done within your own heart and do some self–analysis to see why you are caught up in the things you are.
These ten concepts should help you see clearly and have a little more awareness on what’s going on around us and within us in Provo. Weaknesses will become strengths I feel like I have come a long way and I’m pretty much finally ready to settle down. Don’t stress about it just live right, don’t get caught up in the scene because its pointless. Work on yourself, stay true to the faith and the Lord will put a miracle in your life when you are ready.
OTHER PROVO STUFF—
—Remember Pres. Monson’s talk spring 2011…because dating seriously to marry is difficult and discouraging sometimes we put it off…we have too much fun just being single…guys accumulate toys and go on extravagant vacations and party on just hanging out… don’t get caught up in that because some guys in provo never get out!!!!
—Let other guys figure out girls for you. Be resourceful. I once had a fatty crush on a girl until two of my trusted buddies dated her and told me what she was all about… I was able to get over her because of what he found out.
—ALL people have issues. Us men have our issues and we need women to make us better and complete us. But realize that all women have their issues. We won’t find someone perfect because we ourselves are not perfect. We may hold women up to unrealistic standards and this is unfair for them. We feel like we can do this because there is always someone else. The grass is always greener…or is it???
A lot of times guys will date extremes. We date someone for awhile and decide what we don’t like and then we break up and go find someone with the qualities that the previous girl didn’t have. The new girl has the qualities the previous girl lacked but then as you get to know her she has other weaknesses. Maybe those weaknesses were the previous girls strengths. Now it becomes a vicious cycle where we aren’t treating the girls the way they deserve to be treated.
To get over this cycle you just have to pick and choose before you date what issues you will be able to deal with in a future spouse. Choose today what you can and cant deal with and then stick to those rules when you date. Can you date a girl who has been married before? Super flirty? With children? A shopaholic? You choose. Choose carefully because you are not perfect either. Remember the Savior said we must be willing to forgive if we in turn are going to receive forgiveness (Luke 6:37).
—Lots of guys will treat the woman in their life like a lawn. They have a beautiful lawn but what they don’t realize is that it takes work to keep the lawn functioning and looking nice. You have to weed it, mow it, edge it, water it and install sprinklers. They see their neighbors lawn and the grass looks greener. So the guy will leave his lawn for the new one. What the guy doesn’t realize is that this lawn requires upkeep as well. Weeds will grow on that lawn just the same. Choose someone to love and love your choice. Be the man and take care of your lawn like a good man should. Be fiercely loyal to who you are with and don’t fall into the “grass is greener” mentality.
—If it looks like a wolf, smells like a wolf and acts like a wolf…then it’s a freakin WOLF !!!!! Some girls you can tell what they are all about from the get go. Don’t dabble even if its fun cuz they will bite you and you will be left hurting.
—Don’t date projects… date someone on the same path you are. The sad reality of dating is that if you excuse yourself in dating someone without your same standards they will bring you down. Listen to the counsel of the prophets on this subject. If you are the project, decide to get yourself right. Don’t let an unhealthy relationship continue. You may have to stop dating for awhile to get back on track and then date someone who has the same goals and resolve to live your same standards
—Looks dwindle fast…
Ive been around long enough to see what society would call bombshells or “10s” have their looks fade… this can happen super fast. Not always true —but look at their Mom because that’s what they could end up looking like. Be careful however that you are not too picky in the looks department. The Lord looks on the heart and you should to (1 Samuel 16:7). Can you picture yourself 70 years old holding hands with the person walking through the park? Thats what matters most.
—Girls are most of the time super nervous on the first date…if you think they have real potential give them 2 or 3 dates so they can act themselves. Don’t be too quick to pull the trigger.
—If you want to date a girl and its not happening there are probably good reasons…SHES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!
Girl with a boyfriend, recently broken up… or the BEST ONE…THEIR BEST FRIEND OR ROOMATE PROBABLY HAS A CRUSH ON YOU…they have called dibs and so good luck with this one. Girls don’t do let the best girl win they will shy away and not even talk to you if their friend likes you. This has happened to me numerous times!!!!!
—People do change but it’s a long process and there is always risk to revert back to the old ways. I dated a girl once and when I was dating her she was on track spiritually and we had a great relationship but we broke up and she went right back to her former life. So I dodged a bullet there. Listen to your parents and trust their impressions because they are probably right. I probably could have married that girl and we would have been fine but it would not have been safe because she was leaning on me too much. Be careful to seek personal revelation on these matters. The Lord will guide you. Do not ignore his counsel.
—It is almost impossible to compete with a guy who has history already with a girl. The fact is that girls want to get married badly and so they will hang on emotionally to every long relationship. Missionaries, long term exes, etc are probably all in the picture so beware. If you are competing for a girl who is not fully over someone very real odds are against you. Not saying that you will never win but realize what you are up against. It is best to make sure they are way over anything long term in the past before you get involved. Girls don’t understand the phrase that nothing gets you over the last one like the next one. It takes time for their emotional scars to heal, and they ALWAYS need closure.
—In order to date someone and get a girlfriend in Provo you have to simply pick one. There will always be lots of good options!!!! Its your decision so you will have to weigh the options. You wont be serious with a girl unless you choose her and eliminate all others so all your attention can be on her. One at a time is a good way to figure girls out. If you date multiple you will only get confused.
—Some girls play the game and others don’t…find out what style the girl has and don’t hold it against her. But if you are getting message machines and no responses to texts the girl doesn’t want you. Move on and its her loss. Don’t be that persistent guy who cant take a hint. Most girls who aren’t all about you are just oblivious. I don’t know about you but I want a girl who is into me and recognizes me for what I really am.
—Try your best not to burn bridges because it will always come back to bite you in the butt. If you take girls out and drop them like its hot they will probably be hurt. Lots react by talking trash on you to everyone they can because you didn’t like them. If you take them out and kiss them and drop them the trash talking will be 5 times worse. I guess just hope a girl is mature and try to let them down easy.
P.S. I have been gathering these ideas for awhile to write a book (Dating in Provo for Dummies or something like that). I would appreciate any feedback or stories to supplement to this work. Thanks for reading.